i wonder if all this hesitation in taking the 1st step towards writing one's personal journal(isnt that what a blog is supposed to be?) is normal or is it just me?the inhibited,confused me..
i guess its the fact of baring yr inner most thought,of seeing it published on the most popular n sought after media is what is a little unsettling..one feels kind of exposed..but the saving grace is that its no one but i,me,myself who is responsible for this which makes it bearable. n since i've decided to get out there(though not with the purpose of joining the band wagon n doing the 'in' thing),i might as well take the full plunge. But the one thing that we(the 3musketeers responsible for this journal i.e. i,me,myself) have decided to agree upon right at the very start is to maintain my anonymity..till i can find the courage to perhaps even reveal that..
suddenly i find myself asking-is it that i'm too self critical or is it that i'm just too chicken to face my thoughts or whatever it is that i want to maintain my anonymity for..well the answer i guess will reveal itself in the course of my writing.

.........stuck again! :( when it comes to getting to the 'real' stuff, i go kaput. Actually i wonder do i really have anything to say?is anyone really going to be interested in reading events n thoughts related to my life?(but then that's not what i'm writing this for,no?it's just a personal journal,right? wrong. coz that could have been done in a diary..the mere fact that i'm here,on the net, affirms my desire to reach out,to be read,to be open to comments n whatever it is that this will evoke)..hmm such hesitation even in anonymity!!this reminds me of something that i often wish - if only we were half as hesitant about talking of other people's lives n maligning them as we r of ourselves n our loved ones,there'd be a lot more peace n love n compassion around us. But we r always oh so ready to turn a molehill into a mountain when it concerns others, without thinking of the repercussion it might have in their lives.

well,anyway,about me then..been in a marriage for a significant period now-a little less than 15 yrs.A long time by any standards.A long enough time for 2 individuals to
a) bond (better),grow close(r),connect (better),
b) begin to knaw at each other,have shouting matches,outgrow one another

i fit in nowhere.

13/04/08

After having written the above, i was feeling kind of depressed. Having spoken my thoughts out aloud, seeing them written and the decision to finally 'expose' myself, to bare all.. but i need to do it.No more dilly dallying.

There's a defeaning noise within. I want to scream. I want to decide and i want to act. I want to step out. I know that i need to do that and that i should be doing that. More for his sake than mine. But i cant muster the strength to do it. I'm afraid of the unknown for myself. So i have conveniently settled for the known devil. Its not so convenient though. There's frustration, there's pain, anxiety, guilt.

I want the courage to be able to do what i need to do.
But i'm not sure what i should be doing.

Why cant i love him back? Today i received a weekly question from CWG which said - "What if I were to give to another that which I think I now lack?"
Why cant i give to him what i am longing for myself? Why do i just want want want. Why cant i give.. why am i so selfish?

Let me go back a bit in time.

I lost both parents when quite young. My elder brother was a God sent and later his wife too. They were my guardian angels.Later when it was time for marriage, and things were 'fixed', i was not keen to go ahead with this relationship.But not wanting to burden my brother anymore with responsibilities, i decided to give it a go,positive that things would work out as time went by.But time didnt help.From day one i had not felt any feelings for my husband and more and more i realised that we could not connect at any level. I never felt like sharing my feelings or thoughts with him because i knew i would not get the kind of response i hoped for or needed. He was not the man i wanted to spend all of my life with, in fact i looked for excuses to be away from him as much as possible. I felt trapped. Not wanting to bother my folks back home, i felt stifled, not having anywhere to go.
So i continued.
I tried from time to time to make things work though. I would try talking to him, but each 'conversation' took me further away.

But that's not all. I got into a relationship. Although it was not what i would ideally have wanted , but atleast i 'felt' something. I was not dead. That too ended when i left town to move to another city.(with my husband). Just before the decision of moving to another city, i had decided to seperate, but when the offer to start work in another place came to my husband, i was convinced by my family to give it another shot. The change of place and environment would help me look at things differently. I believed them too and once again hoped against hope for the better.

Well things definitely were better. I got myself a job and made sure that i was busy enough to not think about i, me or myself. I had found an escape route and it worked just fine. Only sometimes, in some fleeting moments, when i got a little time to spend with myself,i would be only too aware of my aloneness and allow myself a few tears. The deep and intense yearning for companionship, for some good,animated conversation,to just simply hold hands with the person u loved would take over. But life went on..

But now i have come to a point where i feel i cannot go on like this. More for his sake than mine.(have i said that before?). I need to decide and act. I have no right being with him when i cannot be 'faithful' to him(i am in a relationship of sorts right now). This is not the kind of life i want to be leading. Its not me. The least i want is to live with dignity. NOt have anyone hurl accusations at me(and with reason). I dont want to look back at my life and feel shame and regret. That will be the toughest to live with.

And so i need to walk out.

But the thought is scary.

14/04/08

I suddenly feel this strong need and urge to 'live'. To not merely exist. To not just go with the flow. But to attain the pinnacle of my capacity.Whatever it is that i am capable of achieving,to exploit my abilities to the fullest: physical, mental, intellectual, spiritual. Very specially spiritual. I want to grow. To make a difference. To 'feel' every moment and be alive and aware and receptive and giving.
And the need is urgent.

i believe.....