The greatest gift

Something that i've realised over the last few days is that the greatest gift that one can give to another is the gift of trust..unquestioning,unconditional,absolute trust.

So much so that even when the whole world,infact 'specially' when the whole world is against you,when everything 'prooves' otherwise,there is that one voice which says to you - i believe and i know better..

The sound of these words i think is sweeter than the finest of the world's melodies.

Imagine a situation where u r innocent n crying hoarse to proove it. But all u get is mistrust n accusations..u feel torn apart. Something vital within u dies. On the other hand, u may be guilty but the other person reposes his trust in u nonetheless.What will happen?The person trusting loses nothing but the 'trusted guilty' may have a change of heart.

I think the repercussions of not trusting an innocent to trusting a guilty are far more.

Like Osho so beautifully says -

A man simply trusts out of his trust;whatever happens does not matter.If he is being deceived continuously,then too it does not matter.Nothing happens to his trust,it is something invincible,and that gives integrity.Trust is not in anybody in particular.Trust is simply trust.It is your fragrance.

So this is to all my loved ones-

Today,this moment,i apologise for not trusting enough. I hope to be more trusting in the future.For i believe this is the greatest gift i could give to you and to myself.

happiness-the mirage

If u r not searching,not seeking,not desiring,not dreaming for anything,in that moment the mind falls into silence.For a moment the mind stops its constant chasing.For a moment the mind is still and present.Happiness suddenly jumps upon you.

Perhaps trying even makes for unhapiness.Perhaps all the din of my desiring has kept the strange bird from my shoulder. I have tried so long and so loud after happiness.I have looked so far and wide.

I have always imagined happiness was an island in the river.Perhaps it is the river.I have thought happiness to be the name of an inn at the end of the road.Perhaps it is the road.I have believed that happiness was always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.Perhaps it is here.Perhaps it is now.I have looked everywhere else.

"so:here and now."

But here and now is clearly unhappiness.Perhaps there's no such thing as happiness.Perhaps happiness exists not;it is just a dream created by an unhappy mind.Certainly it cannot be like i unhappily imagine it.Here and now there is not happiness.So happiness is not.I need not therefore waste myself on what is not.I can forget about happiness then;i can cease to care and instead concern myself with something that i do know,can feel and fully experience.

HAppiness is an idle dream:now it is morning.I can awaken and stay with unhappiness, with what is real under the sun this moment. And now i can see how much of my unhappiness came from trying to be happy;even i can see that trying is unhappiness. Happiness does not try...

At last i am here and now.At last i am what i am.I am unpretending,at ease. I am unhappy.So what? Is this what i ran from? is this really unhappiness?

When i cease to try to be happy or anything else,when i do not seek anymore,when i do not care to go anywhere,get anything,then it seems i am already arrived in a strange place:i am here and now.

When i see that i can do nothing,that all my doing is the same dream,in the moment that i see this,my mind-the old dreamer and wanderer-is for the moment still and present.

For the moment,here and now,the real world shows. And see: here and now is already and always all that i had sought and striven after elsewhere and apart. More than that,i have hunted after shadows. The reality is here in this sunlit place,in this bird-call now. It was my seeking after my reality that took me from it. Desire deafened me. The bird was singing here all the while.

If i am still and careless to find happiness then happiness,it seems,is able to find me. IT is - if i am truly still,as still as death - here and now.

The real abode..

Life is a cyclone - a constant conflict, turmoil,struggle. But it is only so on the surface-just as on the surface of the ocean are waves,maddening noise,constant struggle.But this is not all of life. Deep down there is also a centre-soundless,silent,no conflict,no struggle. In the centre life is a noiseless flow,relaxed,a river moving with no struggle,with no fight,no violence.

You can get identified with the surface, with the outer. Then anxiety and anguish follow. Everyone is identified with the surface and with the struggle that goes on there. The surface is bound to be disturbed,nothing is wrong in it. And if you can be rooted in the centre,the disturbance on the surface will have a beauty of its own. If you can be silent within,then all the sounds will become musical.

Once you are centered you can move to the periphery but you will be totally different. The quality of your consciousness will have changed altogether.Then you can move to the periphery but you will never be the periphery again.Then that is beautiful. Then there is no conflict;it is a game. Then there will be no tensions with in you,no anxiety or anguish around you. And any moment that it becomes too much,you can go back to your source.You will be refreshed,rejeuvenated and you can move to the periphery again.

Once you can relax,nothing can disturb you. Not that the world will change;the world will be the same.But you are not constantly ready to be disturbed. If you are too disturbed or if you are prone to be disturbed that shows only one thing:that you are existing near the periphery-nothing else. It is an indication that you have made your abode near the surface. And that is a false abode because your real home is at the centre,the very centre of your being.

Osho

l.i.v.i.n.g.

23/04/08
I've just read something beautiful and very powerful-

I went to the woods today because i wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if i could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when i came to die, discover that i had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear;nor did i wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life...

the two Es - ego n expectations

Today i was angry..
My ego was hurt..and i was not liking the fact that i let it effect me in this way..and i was angry at myself for being effected thus.Who the hell am i??A mere blip in the bigger scheme of things.

then i was angry because i was expected to do everything regarding something that i think my husband should take care.(we have to move house so right from locating the brokers/agents to getting in touch with them to talking to them to fixing an appointment with them to accompanying them to house hunting to deciding the place to then finally moving (including contacting the packers etc etc etc ) e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. is supposed to be done by me,along with taking the tension of having to move in a very short period.

And i was angry. That i couldnt share my anxiety. That there was no one that i could rely on. That there was no one who would tell me -hey its ok,'we' will manage. Or just simply - dont worry, i'm there..
But i'm ok now. Its just another situation. Nothing unsurmountble or that cannot be tackled.And most specially the faith that - if He takes you to it,He will take you through it.

i wonder if all this hesitation in taking the 1st step towards writing one's personal journal(isnt that what a blog is supposed to be?) is normal or is it just me?the inhibited,confused me..
i guess its the fact of baring yr inner most thought,of seeing it published on the most popular n sought after media is what is a little unsettling..one feels kind of exposed..but the saving grace is that its no one but i,me,myself who is responsible for this which makes it bearable. n since i've decided to get out there(though not with the purpose of joining the band wagon n doing the 'in' thing),i might as well take the full plunge. But the one thing that we(the 3musketeers responsible for this journal i.e. i,me,myself) have decided to agree upon right at the very start is to maintain my anonymity..till i can find the courage to perhaps even reveal that..
suddenly i find myself asking-is it that i'm too self critical or is it that i'm just too chicken to face my thoughts or whatever it is that i want to maintain my anonymity for..well the answer i guess will reveal itself in the course of my writing.

.........stuck again! :( when it comes to getting to the 'real' stuff, i go kaput. Actually i wonder do i really have anything to say?is anyone really going to be interested in reading events n thoughts related to my life?(but then that's not what i'm writing this for,no?it's just a personal journal,right? wrong. coz that could have been done in a diary..the mere fact that i'm here,on the net, affirms my desire to reach out,to be read,to be open to comments n whatever it is that this will evoke)..hmm such hesitation even in anonymity!!this reminds me of something that i often wish - if only we were half as hesitant about talking of other people's lives n maligning them as we r of ourselves n our loved ones,there'd be a lot more peace n love n compassion around us. But we r always oh so ready to turn a molehill into a mountain when it concerns others, without thinking of the repercussion it might have in their lives.

well,anyway,about me then..been in a marriage for a significant period now-a little less than 15 yrs.A long time by any standards.A long enough time for 2 individuals to
a) bond (better),grow close(r),connect (better),
b) begin to knaw at each other,have shouting matches,outgrow one another

i fit in nowhere.

13/04/08

After having written the above, i was feeling kind of depressed. Having spoken my thoughts out aloud, seeing them written and the decision to finally 'expose' myself, to bare all.. but i need to do it.No more dilly dallying.

There's a defeaning noise within. I want to scream. I want to decide and i want to act. I want to step out. I know that i need to do that and that i should be doing that. More for his sake than mine. But i cant muster the strength to do it. I'm afraid of the unknown for myself. So i have conveniently settled for the known devil. Its not so convenient though. There's frustration, there's pain, anxiety, guilt.

I want the courage to be able to do what i need to do.
But i'm not sure what i should be doing.

Why cant i love him back? Today i received a weekly question from CWG which said - "What if I were to give to another that which I think I now lack?"
Why cant i give to him what i am longing for myself? Why do i just want want want. Why cant i give.. why am i so selfish?

Let me go back a bit in time.

I lost both parents when quite young. My elder brother was a God sent and later his wife too. They were my guardian angels.Later when it was time for marriage, and things were 'fixed', i was not keen to go ahead with this relationship.But not wanting to burden my brother anymore with responsibilities, i decided to give it a go,positive that things would work out as time went by.But time didnt help.From day one i had not felt any feelings for my husband and more and more i realised that we could not connect at any level. I never felt like sharing my feelings or thoughts with him because i knew i would not get the kind of response i hoped for or needed. He was not the man i wanted to spend all of my life with, in fact i looked for excuses to be away from him as much as possible. I felt trapped. Not wanting to bother my folks back home, i felt stifled, not having anywhere to go.
So i continued.
I tried from time to time to make things work though. I would try talking to him, but each 'conversation' took me further away.

But that's not all. I got into a relationship. Although it was not what i would ideally have wanted , but atleast i 'felt' something. I was not dead. That too ended when i left town to move to another city.(with my husband). Just before the decision of moving to another city, i had decided to seperate, but when the offer to start work in another place came to my husband, i was convinced by my family to give it another shot. The change of place and environment would help me look at things differently. I believed them too and once again hoped against hope for the better.

Well things definitely were better. I got myself a job and made sure that i was busy enough to not think about i, me or myself. I had found an escape route and it worked just fine. Only sometimes, in some fleeting moments, when i got a little time to spend with myself,i would be only too aware of my aloneness and allow myself a few tears. The deep and intense yearning for companionship, for some good,animated conversation,to just simply hold hands with the person u loved would take over. But life went on..

But now i have come to a point where i feel i cannot go on like this. More for his sake than mine.(have i said that before?). I need to decide and act. I have no right being with him when i cannot be 'faithful' to him(i am in a relationship of sorts right now). This is not the kind of life i want to be leading. Its not me. The least i want is to live with dignity. NOt have anyone hurl accusations at me(and with reason). I dont want to look back at my life and feel shame and regret. That will be the toughest to live with.

And so i need to walk out.

But the thought is scary.

14/04/08

I suddenly feel this strong need and urge to 'live'. To not merely exist. To not just go with the flow. But to attain the pinnacle of my capacity.Whatever it is that i am capable of achieving,to exploit my abilities to the fullest: physical, mental, intellectual, spiritual. Very specially spiritual. I want to grow. To make a difference. To 'feel' every moment and be alive and aware and receptive and giving.
And the need is urgent.

i believe.....